hope

My mom and I were on a train ride. We were casually talking about children, where I shared with her the antics of the various children i knew, from cousins and those in church. And from there, she would reminisce the various episodes of my childhood, tales which i've heard many times and can continue the sentences on my own. Not that i minded.

She shared how when i was about 2years old and living in HK, i would stand by the door when the sun set, and await for my grandpa (affectionately known as YeYe) when he came home from work. The moment he stepped in, i would be so delighted at the sight of him, that before he could settle down, he'd pick me up and bring me for a walk at a nearby park downstairs.

Just the memory of him made me cry in the train. As it does now.

I miss him.

Two decembers ago, my family received a call from our relatives in HK. It's not usual that we do at that time of the year, and i wished they never did. They called to inform us that my YeYe was found in a river. He drowned. And as the story unravelled between making travel arrangments and packing our bags to HK, it was found that YeYe had committed suicide. I'd never seen my father cry so hard before.

Yeye. Stroke victim. Old. Feeble. In the cold december waters.

On that fateful day, he was supposed to be at home as usual, but he sent my Mama (grandma) down to buy something, and when she came back, he was missing. Rather alarming, as he was then feeble and couldn't go anywhere without assistance. My aunts and uncle were alerted and they combed the vicinity for about 3 hours. And it was around then, that they received a call from the police saying that they had found a body in a river not too far away. Yeye had his identification on him, so that we would not be searching for him, for too long?

The trip back to HK wasn't like any of the previous ones. I wasn't looking forward to seeing my relatives, in grief. I had little consolation, what with my limited cantonese, and my lack of time spent with the family, but these were family, and the moment i saw my mama, i just cried.

It's a story of hopelessness. Yeye thought by ending his life, he could end the problems. Common problems. In between the medical bills and trying to restore the family relations, Yeye must have felt that he was a burden. (you were never).

My only regret is not being able to spend more time with him, even in his last years. And my fear is that I'll not see him in Heaven.

I pray that at that very last moment, Yeye called out to Jesus and angels took him away.
Did he Lord?

There are people around me, with the same cry of the heart. The lives that speak of a desire, for a better tomorrow. The longings of a brand new day in the shrouding darkness. The hope. that slips through their fingers. Their lives echo the verse,

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12

Where is that tree of life that fulfills our longings? Are we destined only to grasp at hope with our fingertips and not taste it's fulfilment?

I don't think so.

I've found my hope, and my hope is in the Lord. In His unfailing love. In His word.
Because He lives.